TO: trumpstaff45@whitehouse.gov
FROM: s.spicer@whitehouse.gov
SUBJECT: “HOW” TO “USE” QUOTATION “MARKS”
Dear Staff,
I’m sure “everybody” on the Trump team already knows how to use quotation marks. They’re those efficient, dual scratches positioned on the top of a word or sentence (like “this”) and are very crucial to 45’s communication platform. But with so many uses for quotation marks, it is of utmost importance that we, as a cabinet, “agree” on their many manners of operation. Betsy and I have prepared a quick lesson plan, per 45’s request, on the preferred formatting preferences to be used by our team from this point forward.
First, quotation marks indicate when material is being “plagiarized,” such as a phrase someone important has said. For instance, “President Donald Trump is a great American President,” was something that I “overheard” the other day. I’m putting this sentence in quotation marks because they are “not” my words, but “someone else’s.” Or, “Let’s build that border wall because it’ll Make America Great Again” is another quote that I “imagine” a citizen would say for the sake of this “argument.” See, pretty easy to understand.
Quotation marks can also be used when you want to assign “importance” to a particular word or phrase. This is “typically” done for a variety of reasons, including scare tactics and euphemisms. By casting doubt on particular words you’ve “said,” your future self will have creative freedom to deny any misconstrued “context.” For instance, I could say: “Get those “yuck bags” out of our country!” and be met with a lot of hostile responses from the Dems. But because “yuck bags” is in quotation marks, no one can pinpoint who I’m actually referring to (to be clear, I’m referring to “immigrants”).
“Properly” using quotation marks can also suggest that you were “quoting” another person without it being immediately apparent. When CNN asks for more “clarification” on what you wrote, you can always respond that you were quoting “someone else.” Next time that “pansy fart” Anderson Cooper digs into your every word, you’ll be able to say that you were just paraphrasing another “political pundit.” While these defensive maneuvers are best used in “moderation,” it is often enjoyable to create “unnecessary” euphemisms that will confuse whomever you’re “outsmarting” with language.
To make this “clear” in person, you can “show” quotation marks with a simple hand gesture. I suggest doing this as often as possible when being interviewed on camera. Place two fingers in the air with both hands and then “bend” your fingers twice in a row. Go on, give it a try! This tactile visual exists so that whomever you’re talking to can “understand” that the word you’re “emphasizing” with quotation marks is surrounded by a “facetious” or “ambiguous” tone. It’s fairly similar to winking right after you “lie,” or telling your wife “I love you, honey” when she complains about our country’s “wage gap.” It’s also a great “exercise” for your knuckles after a long day of “writing” social media.
Here’s an “interesting” fact that Betsy found on Wikipedia: the British use quotation marks differently than Americans! Perhaps it’s because they’re more “confused” about facts than we are, or possibly because they’re a “failing society.” Nobody “likes” them or “trusts” them. They’re “losers.” When you hear or see a Brit “use” quotation marks, you have my permission to “ignore” and “deny” their “information.” In fact, that goes for any and all “yuck bags” and “pansy farts” who think they “know” more “facts” than I do. I “know” my “facts!” Just because Jake Tapper says that I sometimes “make up” words and “massage” the “truth” doesn’t mean that I’m no longer a “credible” source of “information!” This is precisely why our “team” needs to stick to our “guns” and get on the same page.
Let me make myself perfectly clear: “do” “not” “underestimate” “the” “power” “of” “adding” “relentless” “quotation” “marks!” “They” “allow” “us” “to” “misconstrue” “the” “truth” “when” “we’re” “backed” “into” “a” “corner” “and” “avoid” “looking” “stupid” “on” “national” “television.” “No” “one” “can” “differentiate” “between” “when” “you’re” “telling” “the” “truth” “or” “when” “you’re” “gaslighting” “the” “yuck bags” “and” “lowest” “common” “denominators.” “No” “one” “will” “even” “know” “when” “you” “lie” “under” “oath” “or” “unnecessarily” “create” “mayhem” “between” “political” “parties.” “Nobody” “can” “get” “angry” “with” “you” “when” “you” “accidentally” “start” “a” “nuclear” “war” “with” “another” “country” “because” “you” “offended” “an” “entire” “nation” “with” “a” “single” “tweet.”
“Even” “if” “this” “email” “leaks” “to” “the” “press,” “they” “can’t” “take” “it” “literally” “because” “I” “went” “back” “and” “added” “so” “many” “useful” “quotation” “marks” “that” “any” “troublesome” “wording” “cannot” “be” “taken” “literally.” “See” “what” “I’m” “doing” “here?” “Another” “brilliant” “strategy” “from” “the” “GOP.”
I hope this “clears up” any “confusion” on the subject, for I “truly” strive to communicate at a “professional” level. It is our “job” to keep 45 happy and appease his “reasonable” and “educated” communication needs. Perhaps, after years of “experience,” we can one day be as “quotable” as 45. Until then, please respond to this email with your favorite “racist” gif to show that you “understand” our new formatting process for quotation marks.
“God” Bless America.
“Warmest” Regards,
Sean “The Spice Man” Spicer
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Written by Brooks Morrison with artwork by Priscilla Watson
Inspired by: http://www.cnn.com/2017/03/17/politics/trump-tweet-quote-words/index.html