Subscribed Humans Against Treepeople: 4
online treetruthERs: 1
GREBBIN THE TRUTH!
The purpose of this online community is for the residents of Auburn CA to expose the secret life of my new neighbor Allen who is pretending to be a human but is definitely a tree.
Here is a summary of evidence we have gathered. This is the perfect place to start if you’re ready to be an Allen Tree Truther. Open your one glass eye, and the other one with the cataract, Gladys! (Seriously, if anyone has sway with Gladys Greenhorn, we would love for her to join our fight)
(Aka: Garret FREEHorn Greenhorn. Author of Truth and LYES about the massive cover up in the Soap industry, and why I always skip bathtime! Available on Gramazon, and in a stapled printout I put in magazine section of the Grallgreens.)
- I took a photo of Allen raking leaves. The tree in his front yard has brown colored leaves, but Allen is clearly raking in a red leaf at the lower right quadrant of the picture. Where could it have come from? UNLESS IT’S HIS OWN LEAF, THAT HE SHED. ON HIS FRONT LAWN, HE COULDN’T RESIST, THROWING ONE OF HIS FILTHY LITTLE LEAVES ON THE GROUND, IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE WHERE I RAISE MY SIM CHILDREN!!
- Erinn Dingle has never seen Allen eat any food. You know who else doesn’t eat food? TREES. Etta has listed all the other people she hasn’t seen eat Etta has never seen President Obama eat food, and as she points out: photos don’t count! That could be plastic food, like you find in the lobby of a fancy hotel.
- 12 year old super sleuth Taylor Glad found this facebook post by Allen on April 12th, 2014, when he was in Hawaii. Allen says, “Oh Boy, I am loving this Sun. Can’t get enough!” PHOTOSYNTHESIS is eating the sun. Can’t get enough Allen? NOT ONLY A TREE BUT AN OVEREATER OF THE SUN.
- And of course, this LEAK!! The LETTER to me by ALLEN that I FOUND where he must have ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED it at my front door:
“ Hi Garett, it’s me Allen. Barbara at the Hunt and Feed store told me about your little group. Can’t figure out how to sign on to it, but she read me some.
Have to say, I’m a little hurt by all your strange accusations. But relieved now to know why Taylor Glad keeps shaking me when she sees me in the street, and screaming, “Give me your apples, Allen?! I want the apples!”
And is this why Erinn Dingle tied me up that one time and put me on top of her car, and then threw glass baubles at me in her living room while her kids opened presents underneath my legs? I thought that was the best date of my life. But I’ve never had much luck with understanding flirtation.
Anyhoo, I’m not a tree, I’m just Allen. Sorry if this soils your fun. Barbara said maybe I should take this whole thing as a flattering gesture. That you don’t have a lot of positive male role models. That perhaps you just want to get to know me?
I’m a retired officer in the United States Army, I served in Korea, and I do love the Sunday Crossword. Even though I’ll never solve that darn thing! I have been lonely since my wife died. Couldn’t stay in the house we shared together. Too many memories. My orthodontist said Auburn was nice, a small community. A new start.
Would love to speak to you in person Garret, your mother Gladys says that you spend a lot of time online. Seems you get bullied in school? I was bullied too. Things seem hard when you’re young. It does gets easier. And maybe you could back off on the killing of your Sims families? Gladys is worried. She got on your computer and saw a Sim that looked like her swimming in a pool with no ladder. Can’t say I’ve played many games beyond Horseshoes, Darts and Pool, but I get that we all need surrogates for our rage.
Alright. This letter is over.
Sincerely your friend,
P.S. I made this paper. Pretty neat, right? Took a papermaking class at the Community Rec Center. Ever want to join me for a class? Pick up a new skill with your new buddy Allen?”
Wow. Bet he didn’t want me to see this! Read closely: I made this paper?! Oh Allen. SOILS our fun?! Trees grow in soil. Making PAPER?! Paper is made from trees. Writing letters on your skin is a real creep move, Allen! We’re not fooled. I hope the FBI does what’s right!
Written by Lesley Hollingsworth with artwork by Nicole Monk